It’s time I stop believing the lies that have been put into my mind. I don’t know when, as a believer, I started to believe that I was never good enough, or that there was something wrong with me. I absolutely despise that I’ve given Satan so much time in my life to whisper His lies into my ear, over the words of my Father.
I’ve realized many things lately. I was born into sin (as we all are), but at the age of twenty, I gave my life to Jesus. I know I am a child of God. I am not perfect, nor will I ever be. I am very flawed. Because of issues of bullying when I was younger, and dealing with verbal abuse, I don’t have the best self-esteem. I do believe I’ve been restored in my thinking with Jesus’s help (and the loving man who is now my husband), but there are still some lasting impressions from patterns of behavior. My defense mechanism is to lash out and make others hurt like I have in the past. I’m aware of it. My reaction is to apologize to make up for it, but that doesn’t take away the scars I’ve left behind.
I am a Christian who should be displaying Christlikeness (and I know I do), but, some days I feel like a constant failure because I haven’t fully released anger and hurt that has worn heavily on my shoulders. Satan wants me to be distracted, because when I am focused on myself, I’m not making room for God, nor am I giving Him glory by showing the world what He’s done with me.
Satan also wants me to believe that God can’t truly heal my scars. And in some ways, I guess I’m guilty of milking that way of thinking. I hate to admit it, but I want the scars to show, to be felt by me, to be examined. Each one tells a story and when I get to talk about them, the focus is on me. I get to self-pity and be prideful as I describe how I went through something. Ugh. It makes me sick just writing that.
Maybe it’s okay, though, to look at the scars. They represent hurt and a time of pain, however they are proof that I survived, I certainly didn’t die, and IN NO WAY can I compare my agony to what Christ endured for me.
The greatest thing about scars is that they do carry a huge amount of significance, because for there to be a scar, there had to have been a cut at some point. And that’s where I’m at today. I’m getting ready to cover my scars because they no longer need the attention I’ve been giving them.
So now for the good news: One of my spiritual gifts is the gift of exhortation (definition by Merriam-Webster: “using language to incite or encourage”) and that is why I’m choosing to do something with my life to glorify God by helping those where I see a specific need. In praying for where God wants me, I feel that I should be counseling others. I’ve looked into getting a bachelor’s degree in Psychology with an emphasis in Christian Counseling. And I choose to move forward with that degree come January. Thank you, Liberty University.
I didn’t write this note to get pity comments or pats on the back, so you don’t have to respond to this. I wrote because I like writing. I’ve been dealing with some heavy things, of late, and in helping someone else, I’m reflecting on a lot of things in my own life. Not for the sake of stealing the glory, but because I think Jesus wants me to see the areas of me that is fixing. He needs me to be clay again, instead of hard rock, so He can form me. He is the potter, after all.
I’ve been told by many that I have a gift with words, that I communicate very well, and that I should be a writer (and I’m grateful for those compliments-they give me purpose). If you are a close friend of mine, you may at some point have gotten a card or letter or email written by me where you flipped the card over to keep reading, or scrolled for hours to see what my point was. I obviously feel I have a lot to say (it’s okay, you can laugh there). If you ask me, I’m still in my infancy stage with writing. I’ve been out of practice for some time, but I do believe God is going to use those gifts in me: writing and counseling.
I would love to see something I’ve written published. I’d love for someone to read something I’ve written and be moved to tears and into a relationship with Jesus. I know these things will come in time. Before any of that happens, God wants me to focus on Him and walk through every area I’ve hidden from myself and take it to Him.
God is breaking through, not just in me, but in believers all around me, who are experiencing newness and communication with God in a new way. There are some who were intentionally drowning Him out and they are hearing Him for the first time.
I keep thinking of a story my sister told me once. She explained how she and a friend of hers, wrote down specific names of people and issues they were struggling with, on balloons. Then they walked outside and released the balloons, in a way symbolizing that they were going to let go of the people who were hurting them, and the issues they wanted resolved.
I think it’s time I bought some balloons. Right after I sit down and reread some of the greatest stories ever told, in the Bible where Jesus tells me He took my sin on Him and that I am free to live under grace and with His righteousness. I need to embrace what I know to be true. I need to not let Satan blur the lines. I need to be quick to forgive and quick to love. THAT is true Christlikeness. No more Christian copouts…”I’m a work in progress” stuff…let’s get to the meat of the issue. If you’re still staying that, you’re not really letting Him take the problem away. I need to start “walking in the truth” as the Bible says.
So if you took the time to read all of this, (wow, you have a lot of free time), please just pray. When you have a moment and if I pop into your mind, just lift me up. Ask God to continue to chisel away at old Grace so that new Grace can continue to come forth. I know He’s working daily in me, and I have to live life the way it was meant to be lived…FREE!! I want others to know the grace He gives unconditionally and the love He pours out without restraint. I want to be covered in it. Also pray for others who are walking the walk and are struggling too. Every believer is a target, and every one of us is vulnerable. If it weren’t true, the Bible wouldn’t equate Satan to be “prowling around like a lion looking for prey”. Be aware and be on guard. And stand firmly on the Rock that is higher than all of us. Enough is enough…clarity from here on out!