I’ve been in a season of quiet and stillness for a few months now, and it’s becoming incredibly refreshing. I am typically busy, running from appointment to meeting to gathering to party to… you get the idea. Since I’ve learned to allow myself to say no, and not feel guilty about responses, I’ve become increasingly relaxed. I believe it’s a lesson the Lord has been trying to show me for some time now. And I’ll explain why.
The beginning of 2016 was a huge transition for myself and my hubster, K. He was working the night shift at his factory job, and since I work at home, I transitioned with him so we could still be connected. We did our best to be close: eating meals together, praying when we could, talking about what we were reading, fasting for specific reasons, and hanging out, since getting together with others was restricted to weekends and sporadic events we could handle in the hours before starting our night shifts.
Loneliness, isolation and quiet were paramount in that season. We couldn’t change the way we felt about not being around other people, which was devastating and eye-opening, but the positive effects on our marriage were incredibly significant. We grew so much in our communication and we bonded in ways I know we wouldn’t have otherwise. We both were grounded in Scripture, challenging each other with questions about what we were reading, and sharing dialogue regarding passages that spoke to us. It was a beautiful, trying season.
Just before Easter, we went back to day shift. I changed contract companies, and K began a different position with a new team under him. We both began a new journey. Staying as close as we were, when we were all we had, has become a challenge, because now we have time for others again, and family needs, and insert any other type of distraction here. The down time we had in the winter was a way of opening our eyes to our availability: to others as well as ourselves. And for the first time, it was a time to just focus on our faith and each other.
Something we do pride ourselves on, is being available for others with our presence, and if that’s not possible, we send cards and prayers in our physical absence. We try to stay connected to others as much as possible, because we are two social people who love people. But I must admit that I know that I am someone who needs to step back at times to re calibrate in quiet. And knowing that I’m an introvert, I had to stop considering what others might think of my absence. Saying no to things is okay. For so long in the past, I would be upset about turning something down, or saying no for fear of what someone’s opinion of me would become. It took me a while to give myself permission to be okay with being true.
What I’ve come to realize as I reflect on both seasons this year, is that sometimes it is necessary to pull back and reassess our positions. As believers, we are definitely sent out into the “mission field” every day, as servants and representatives of Jesus. Divine interruptions happen frequently and we have to be ready. However, we also must admit our emptiness at times and “fuel up” so we can be who we need to be for the Kingdom.
Living intentionally as a believer means that I am living with the purpose of reflecting Jesus through my words, actions and deeds. I am a human vessel who is used by God to show the world His Son. I am accountable for that. And sadly there are times I know I haven’t done a good job of that. I can remember times when I served in ministry that my actions became obligatory, that my “I’ll pray for you”s were rehearsed and unfeeling, and my “yes”es were because I was afraid of what others would think. Just as our bodies need physical food to provide energy so we can function, our spirit needs the Holy Spirit and downtime to recharge and be filled so we can reflect Jesus.
Don’t believe me because you feel like you’ll miss an opportunity to serve God? Even Jesus took time to stop and pray, step away from the noise and reflect. We don’t have to think we’re saving the world or missing out on opportunities. The more time we have with God, the more we are able to hear His voice (John 10:27) and know what His intentions are for us on a daily basis.
When I was in the early stages of working the night shift, my physical body was a wreck (working during the night hours does something horrible to your mind and body). However, I spent my days literally reading my Bible on my couch with my husband, sharing insights and fueling up. Free of distractions and obligations, we both felt disconnected from others, but incredibly linked to the Lord.
I believe God wanted me to slow down and focus on Him. And He accomplished it by changing my availability. My choice to work nights was optional, K’s was not. But I wanted my husband to feel supported and encouraged, and I didn’t think it would affect me as much as it did. I’m glad we switched back to days, despite how much we were growing. Because now even on day shift, I am still available for others. I am just more mindful of my time and whether or not my “YES” is because of God or my desire to please others. I have learned to pray before responding and not feel guilt, even when I get push back or disappointed responses from others. I have to be true to myself and my Lord.
I am intentional now about staying connected to Christ. Knowing myself as I do (imagine that), I realize that as a woman, I emotionally respond to many things. I’ve learned to slow down, filter it through the Lord’s filter instead of my human emotional filter, and have seen my responses change. I realize that my eyes are being opened in many other areas of my life as well, and in order to navigate the dark, stormy waters that are approaching, I need to cling to my anchor.
Now, K and I also as a couple have to be mindful of when we’re getting so busy that we’re not making time for each other. I imagine every married couple knows when that happens because you start to get irritable or angry about little things when it’s really because you’re missing each other and not making time to connect. It’s an easy fix. Say no to whatever is taking you away from your covenant. My Lord needs to be first, then my spouse, then whatever God says is next, not what I deem important.
And just so this doesn’t sound like I’m knocking being there for others, K and I both have developed some pretty cool relationships with people this year and are connecting with some friends we’ve not spent as much time with in the past. We are able to say yes to spending time with others without compromising time with each other.
My perspective has changed in the area of serving as well. I know when God is saying Yes for me for something, and stepping into obedience has blessed me incredibly. A study on forgiveness that I began teaching last fall with one woman went from an eight-week study to eight months. The relationship that was forged through some many painful, tearful evenings blessed us both. The study produced a woman who now is able to transfer her insecurity to Jesus and she was able to forgive someone for 35+ years of hurt. I will never feel bad about saying no to things while working alongside the Holy Spirit for that woman’s transition.
Also, a door opened after ending my time with her, to help another woman who is struggling with her marriage. My Tuesdays are set aside for her and developing trust through her heartache. I’m enjoying what the Lord is teaching us both through her sessions.
Slowing down, focusing on Jesus and listening instead of running has strengthened my heart and faith in many ways. I’m so thankful for His leading me to rest in Him, and teaching me to depend on Him instead of working out of my own power. I’m intentionally seeking rest and stillness now, without fear of any other feelings being hurt. I am following where Jesus leads.