unforgiveness – all things new : emerging from the chrysalis

Forgiveness

Posted on April 18, 2017April 18, 2017 by gracielynn

This topic is incredibly relevant given the recent tragic events that took place this past Easter Sunday, April 16, 2017 in Cleveland, Ohio.

An elderly man, returning home from Easter dinner with his family, was gunned down in the street by a distraught man who was at the end of his rope, and felt the need to kill. The murderer then uploaded the video to Facebook and posted several videos of himself “snapping”- in his words.

The victim was a 74-year old man named Robert Godwin. And his murderer, Steve Stephens, is now dead after a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head, post police car chase in Pennsylvania. There are still details coming in, but the ones I’ve shared have been confirmed.

If you live in Cleveland, or nearby, like myself, you’ve heard this story relentlessly for the past two days. Even out-of-state radio programs, news stations and other avenues have been trying to educate us and alert us so we could protect ourselves and our families, but also help find the murderer who was on the loose, and bring him to justice through our judicial system.

Though Stephens worked at a mental health facility and was on the giving end of mental health needs for so many, he clearly needed help himself. Sadly, in the end, he took the easy way out. And though he seems to have escaped our system, make no mistake, he is facing his judgement today. That final act is reserved for God alone. It is not our decision to decide his fate. We may have opinions and justified outrage, but where he lands was decided before he pulled the trigger on himself today.

In light of this tragedy, let’s revisit some truth about last Friday- Good Friday.

Christians and believers all around the world celebrate Good Friday, which is truly a day of mourning. Jesus Christ, whom we believe was fully God and fully man, was crucified over 2000 years ago by Rome, Herod, the Gentiles, the Jewish Sanhedrin, and the people of Israel. These groups worked together to have him tried, found guilty and murdered for claims of blasphemy, sedition and treason. His death was senseless, much like the one listed above. To some, he was guilty, but some weren’t as convinced, for they had witnessed miracles and saw Him give love to people whom no one else would have.

JESUS WAS SINLESS.

Regardless of the claims against Him, Jesus was without sin and only carried out the work He was meant to do for the redemption of all of us- Jew and Gentile. But He was found guilty by Rome’s laws, convicted in the evening quietly, so that His death would be a message to those seeking to overthrow the government.

Once He was put in the tomb, they thought they had won.

A common word heard in some communities regarding Jesus’ life is this: Propitiation. I heard it many times in my Lutheran upbringing. And yet, the value of it never sunk in until today while researching. According to Bibleinfo.com, Jesus’ death,

“…lies in the fact that a just and perfect God could not simply sweep sin under the carpet and go on running a perfect universe. God must deal with the injustice of sin. Suppose a criminal should come before a judge and that judge would simply excuse a crime of murder, rape, or theft simply because the judge loved the criminal. What would society think of such a judge?

The Bible says: “Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right” (Genesis 19:25). Selfishness has a natural consequence that eventually results in death to the innocent (Rom. 6:23). Jesus, the Judge, assumed the consequence of sin on the part of man, rather than inflict death upon the sinner. That consequence was death.

The death of Christ accomplishes reconciliation, or reconnecting us back to God. Romans 3:25 says, “…whom God set forth as a propitiation” for our sins. “Propitiation” literally means “something that appeases a deity.” However, in the Biblical sense it means much more than this. It can mean to “accept hurt”, to “forgive”, to “show mercy.” As sinners we transgress God’s perfect law and have no legal right to exist. But God himself who sits as Judge accepts the hurt, pays the price, forgives, and offers mercy.”

We all can look back through our own lives and remember moments where someone has wronged us, hurt us, hurt someone that we love, and caused pain in one way or another. By the world’s standards, we have a right to be upset, and to retaliate. Eye for an eye, right? After all, going back to the Facebook murderer, didn’t Stephens deserve to be shot by someone else? What right did he have to be the one to do it?

Yet, a few days earlier, on the day that Robert Godwin was murdered, believers everywhere celebrated the miraculous and divine resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ from the grave-the place He conquered death for us, so we could have eternal life with Him FOREVER! God accepted Jesus’ death as our death, so those who believe in Him and call on His name will be saved. To those of us who follow Jesus, we cannot let unforgiveness take root in our hearts. After all, Jesus certainly didn’t!

We ALL have hurt others too, and have sinned against our HOLY God, whether we agree with the setup or not, that’s the way it is. God is God, we are created beings. We act out of selfishness, hurt each other, make demands and misuse our bodies. We have every right to go to Hell, and experience eternal separation from Him. But Easter Sunday is the day we celebrate our exoneration from ALL of our debts (past, present and even FUTURE) in the perfect, sinless resurrection of Christ.

Because He died, we died with Him. And because HE LIVES, WE CAN LIVE WITH HIM FOREVER!

Robert Godwin was killed on Easter. And that same day, his family was interviewed by news reporters and agencies trying to get the first word. Clearly, this family had every reason to be outraged, upset, furious and retaliatory! But if you’ve seen the reports or heard their interviews, their response is in sharp contrast to our human nature.

Yes, tears are being shed, questions are on their lips, but instead of hate speech, violence and anger, their words are carrying the truth of what we celebrate.

Tonya Godwin-Baines says this to the accused murderer:

“I just want him to know that God loves Him…we love Him. Yes, we’re hurt. But we have to forgive him, ’cause if we don’t, the Bible says your Heavenly Father won’t forgive you.”

-http://fox8.com/2017/04/17/74-year-old-man-killed-in-cleveland-was-father-of-10/

Tonya is correct. She is remembering Matthew 6:15, where it states,

“But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

I was sitting on my couch watching the news when I heard her say this, and I immediately started to cry. She’s right! Here I am, having awful thoughts toward this man for what he has done to them, but she’s redirecting my heart to truth. She, and her family, all agree and are spreading the message that forgiveness has to reign.

Why? Why should they forgive this man who killed their family member? In cold blood, in the middle of the day, because he had girlfriend/gambling issues? This older man had nothing to do with this young man’s problems! What right did he have to take Robert’s life?

The answer is he had no right! And we are all justifiably angry about the injustice of it. But this family is demonstrating for us a quick response to an even worse reaction if unforgiveness takes root in their hearts.

What is forgiveness? Personally, I love this definition:

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

-https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness

I teach on this subject, and believe it is a choice to let go and not hold onto something offensive. As a believer, we go a step further to deepen our faith by trusting that God will deal with the offender, and that He can be trusted with the outcome without our manipulation or assistance.

Forgiveness is necessary for a sound mind and a free heart. And it’s a gift to an offender who may not even be seeking it, but also the giver who doesn’t bear the weight of the offense any longer.

Don’t believe that your health can be affected by your anger and unforgiveness?

“Chronic anger puts you into a fight-or-flight mode, which results in numerous changes in heart rate, blood pressure and immune response. Those changes, then, increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions. Forgiveness, however, calms stress levels, leading to improved health.”

-Karen Swartz, M.D. at Johns Hopkins, http://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/healthy_aging/healthy_connections/forgiveness-your-health-depends-on-it

I’m also reminded of a story in the Bible, found in John 9, where Jesus healed a blind man who had been blind since he was born. The disciples (not even the religious leaders who were ready to accuse him at every turn), asked which of the parents had sinned in order to make their son blind (assuming God was punishing the parents for something- sound familiar to any thoughts we seem to have at times?). Jesus’ response was that neither of them had sinned. The act of blindness had happened so that when Jesus encountered him and healed him, he would glorify God. His exact words were,

“Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him. “

Say what!?! This poor guy had to be blind from birth, so that later in his life, he could be healed by Jesus?? That sounds crazy! But to be honest, it is also beautiful. Our lives are meant to reflect the light of Jesus whom we choose to believe in, and our circumstances may be just that-something that happens or that we must endure so that God may be glorified. It doesn’t mean we’re being punished, it means there is something bigger going on.

And this is where I go back to the Godwin family. They have demonstrated extreme restraint and forgiveness. I’m not God. I don’t have an answer for why He allowed Robert to be walking down the street by himself when this other man felt the need to shoot someone at random. I know God would’ve prevented it, because He certainly can step in and assist us at any time.

I am choosing to believe that Robert Godwin was a saved man, who is being heralded by his family for being selfless and teaching ALL of them about the love of God. God knew that Robert was coming home to him in Heaven. Maybe God allowed the death of Robert to be a message of hope for those of us who struggle with life at times. Yes, we can have tragedy, pain and struggles, but God sent His Son Jesus years ago to save us from sin and the charges brought against us before Him. Jesus chose to forgive when the world was against Him. If He could love beyond the hate thrown at Him, who are we to withhold love for others?

At the end of our lives, we will all stand before God with our infractions and charges. None of us will be exempt. Everyone will give an account for what they’ve chosen to do with their lives. The only way we will not face eternal death and separation from God and our loved ones is to choose Jesus, who was the Lamb who died to spare us. Jesus will stand in front of those of us who have surrendered our lives to Him, and defend us, saying we are no longer condemned, but free because of His shed blood.

I don’t want unforgiveness in my heart. I don’t want the physical effects that come with not letting go of hurts and infractions. I want to reflect the light of Jesus to the world, which is full of pain and heartache, and share with others, that, with Jesus, we can forgive. I want to offer the same freedom He offers, and point people in His direction so that they too can share in the gift of eternal life with Him when ours ends here. And I’m thankful to the Godwin family for reminding me of the goodness of Good Friday and the beautiful life-giving truth of Easter, that because of Jesus, we have been forgiven and should extend the same to those who hurt us.

It is not our right to hold onto the offense when Jesus already died for it and wants to grant grace for it. And that may sound like it doesn’t make sense. Where is the justice for when people do things wrong? It’s on the cross. Right next to my sins, are yours. And there was blood shed to cover them. That’s what His grace IS.

My challenge to you: May you take some time and be bold enough to search your heart for the names and moments that have hurt you over the years, and when you’re ready, go a step further. Pray for that person or group, ask the Lord to have mercy on them, forgive them in your heart, and remember the offense no more. We are to pray for our enemies. We are to love those who accuse us and wrong us. It’s completely counter-cultural and absolutely absurd, but it is Jesus’ way. It’s freeing, and moves us from judge, jury and executioner to a son or daughter of God.

And a separate challenge: pray about the unforgiveness in your heart for moments and hurts done to someone you love or care about. It’s not your burden to carry. Give it to Jesus. There is no reason to have hatred in our hearts for injustice. We can walk alongside our friends, and help point them back to the cross. God doesn’t need any of our help deciding who deserves what, when we all deserve death. When you realize what you’ve been saved from on Good Friday, your heart will open up to the idea of loving those who have hurt you, in spite of the hurt, so that you heart, soul and mind can be healthy and at peace with God.

Praying you can take these steps, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, release those who have been on your “hook” and trust them in the hands of God.

Love, Gracie 🙂

Faith

The time is NOW

Posted on April 1, 2017April 1, 2017 by gracielynn

graveside
Death.

It’s going to happen to all of us at some point. And on Earth, it is final. When someone we know and love dies, they are now physically gone, and that is/can be extremely painful. We can feel helpless, lost, scared, uncertain and afraid. And something I’m sure we never consider is how unresolved issues with those we had negative experiences with will never be resolved, and closure will escape us. Why am I posting so morbidly?

Because recently God brought a passage to my mind that has been working its way through my thoughts and prayers for the last two weeks. It’s Proverbs 6:16-19.

“There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are an abomination to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.”

I could write volumes on the first six items listed, but my focus for this post is on the last one: ONE WHO SOWS DISCORD AMONG BROTHERS. And the reason I’m tying this into death is because the time to reconcile and “make things right” is now. It’s while those who have hurt us or whom we have hurt are still alive. The goal as believers should be to keep and maintain peace in our families, our relationships and everyone we encounter.

Discord that is being sown is usually in the form of words against someone else. It’s mainly gossip or speaking about someone in the family/relationship who isn’t present to defend themselves with the intent of getting someone to think negatively about someone else. The speaker shares just enough information to help you “form an opinion” about someone who isn’t even present. Of course they wouldn’t say these things in front of the actual defendant, but they’ll definitely plant seeds to make you reconsider their character or motives. And the truth is that the one sowing the seeds is the one who has the ulterior motive. It also promotes unforgiveness and bitterness toward others. It’s destructive.

I’ve been in many Christian circles where some want validation for their hurts and wounds brought on by others, and to share that is fine for the purpose of prayer, healing and restoration. But to stay in the position of unforgiveness or anger is not healthy, spiritually or otherwise. And it truly has no place in God’s Kingdom.

Sin, and namely the sin of pride, is what hinders us from moving into a place of forgiveness for those who have wronged us. We think, what was done to me was so significant, I don’t have to forgive. I get to be the victim, and nothing is required on my part. But that kind of toxic thinking is harmful to yourself and others around you. Was the sin against you truly worse than what you’ve done against Jesus? Be honest.

Did someone pop into your mind just now? Someone who hurt you, or whom you’ve shared misinformation about? If you find yourself perpetuating events over and over again, ruminating on them for your own self-gratification, you need to stop. You are sowing discord, and God hates it. Why? Because He is about unity. Sin has been dividing us since the Fall. But to those who have given their lives to Christ, your life is not your own, and your reactions and responses reflect what you believe and the power of Jesus to a watching world. Are you letting Him move you in compassion to a place of forgiveness so you can love those who hurt you, serve those who anger you, and provide a place of safety for those who think differently than you?

And be advised: If you do not believe that the enemy prowls around like a lion, looking for someone to devour (1 Peter 5:8), you’re mistaken and deceiving yourself. The goal of the enemy is to separate, divide, kill and DESTROY. You are made in the image of God, and because Satan hates God, he hates YOU. His tactics haven’t changed. He still tries to use US against each other, and he’s working mightily in those of us who struggle with letting go of hurts. This is a serious problem that needs to be addressed for ALL of our relationships, but primarily the one with God.

Christians, it’s not okay.

1 John 4:19-20 says, “We love because God first loved us.Whoever says, “I love God,” but hates his brother is a liar. The one who does not love his brother whom he has seen cannot love the God whom he has not seen.”

Many families are divided because sisters are against each other, in-laws disagree and pull away, brothers are competitive, and children learn to cut off those who don’t think like they do, because it’s been modeled for them so well. But this is not the way of unity and it is not okay in the eyes of Jesus.

Caveat: I realize there are harmful, abusive situations where boundaries have to be made. That is not the discord God is talking about in this passage. And I also realize there are issues within families between believers and non-believers. We can’t expect those not walking with Christ to follow His laws. So, we need to be prayerful about forgiving them, loving them and modeling Jesus to them. Seek a Christian counselor or a trusted pastor if you are having trouble forgiving.

My plea is for those who are walking with the Lord to search deep in yourself and ask if the rift that was caused in your family is worth the remorse you will feel later in life when that person is gone. Can you truly turn a blind eye to it? Search your heart and reflect on why you won’t open your heart to the idea of that person being in your life. Is whatever happened really worth losing the relationship for yourself, your spouse, your children, and future generations? Is it worth acting in a way that is hurting your relationship with God? It’s easy to parade around on Sundays acting like we have it all together, but God knows the discord that is being sown in our families, and the way we hide so we don’t have to deal with ourselves. Denial is a safe place for many but it is still inexcusable in this instance.

Again, this is not okay. So if there is any truth to what I am saying, AND I KNOW THERE IS, Christians, I am imploring you to stop and repent of the words that are coming out of your mouths to character assassinate those you are hurting. Be alert of who is trying to get you to do the character assassinations, and don’t give the devil a foothold. Do not let him use you to hurt someone else. It’s divisive and truly hated by God. Do not feed into the lies spewed by those who try to sway your minds. Go directly to the person to set things straight, and don’t let gossip take over your conversations. We are accountable for our words and how we represent the Kingdom.

None of us who are believers should let time pass on these crucial relationship missteps. We need to pray about reconciliation, be willing to let Christ give us the love we need for others, and let ourselves be humbled to the point of forgiveness and restoration.

THE TIME IS NOW.

**If you do not have a relationship with Jesus and want to learn about Him, I invite you to go to the following link for great resources. And if you’d like me to pray for or with you, you may contact me directly at grace.hejnal@gmail.com.

https://needhim.org/knowing-jesus/

With love, G 🙂

Faith, Family

What’s Next for us (a sweet testimony of the love and goodness of my husband and God)

Posted on September 16, 2015September 16, 2015 by gracielynn

I cannot believe it’s been four years since I walked down the aisle to my groom.

Time has passed. At times so swiftly, other times without regard for my impatience. But it sure seems fleeting.

Four years of marriage is not a normal celebratory year, at least in popular circles or in card shops. Typically, we tend to celebrate the first, fifth and every fifth year after that for patterned events.

So why is four such a big deal to me today?

Because I want to share where God has moved in the lives of two simple people in Ohio, out of the entire Universe. And I finally am ready to share a deep hurt that was healed and overcome. But first, some highlights of one of the happiest days of my life…becoming Mrs. Hejnal.

The day had finally come.

My husband and I had a lot of strife getting to that day.

As with every wedding, there are moments that things don’t go as planned, and ours was no different. Leading up to our wedding day, we had a few hiccups: reservations and contracts for locations that went missing (gasp!), family issues with unforeseen miscommunication (with people who weren’t even part of our day) (YIKES!) and deadlines we didn’t plan for (seriously!?). Waking up the morning of the wedding, I just prayed for God to handle it all, and we would soak up every minute.

And on the day of the wedding, everything fell into place.

We both were so excited and were ready to commit to each other. We could have done without the trimmings and planning. We just wanted to be together!

Starting over would be an adjustment for me.

I had been divorced for a few years, and I was used to doing things on my own. My personality is independent by nature. For as long as I can remember, once I conquered something, it was on to bigger and better. I didn’t like someone telling me what to do or how to do it. I would figure it out and then move on.

So, I definitely had a lot to learn about submitting to a man. Obstacles, schmobstacles…

It couldn’t be that hard, though, right? I mean, this guy and I seem to get along so well. We play video games together, go to church together, grocery shop together. For those who are afraid we do too much together, we do have separate interests and hobbies, but they are done in moderation. We truly enjoy each others’ company. I’ve never had such an amazing and supportive guy best friend. So moving into the house that was now ours, and sharing EVERYTHING shouldn’t be so bad, right?

Sadly, I didn’t prepare myself for everything. I did what I normally did, which was to jump into the abyss and run full speed.

We had those who opposed Kevin’s and my marriage, and I felt obligated to try to change their minds, quite verbally, I remember. I had those who slandered me on a regular basis, so I found myself in defensive positions constantly. And I felt I had to prove to everyone that I was capable of being a stepmother, since I’d had no previous children of my own. How hard could this be? (Just reading this, I’m exhausted.)

Another factor I didn’t really see ahead of me that would test my patience and willpower were his daughters. At the time, they were 14 and 17. They are both beautiful women now, and have always been loving and understanding. They have grown a ton, and so have we. But let’s be honest ladies, learning to love someone else’s children seems to come easy, but it comes with being on the back burner and being rejected A LOT. If you keep your eyes open for the lessons, however, it also teaches you humility and compassion.

I was young (and I say that to be humorous, but also to indicate my maturity level in all of this). I expected things to go swimmingly all of the time. I am not one for confrontation, so I didn’t have to worry about arguing with the kids. They rarely voiced discontentment. They were eerily silent more than I could stand at times. But I learned about them, I stretched myself and spent time with them when they were in our home, and I shared as much about myself as I could with them. They were adjusting too.

Was our daily life all roses and gumdrops? Absolutely not. I can remember a few days where I stayed in our bedroom and avoided them, after an argument with their mother, or someone else in the family who wouldn’t accept me. I had to become aware of the times that the enemy would try to pin Kevin against me, and when the enemy would isolate me. Sometimes I felt excluded, unwanted or just plain ignored. Those were painful times, but they passed. We all grew.

Now the kicker: I’ve shared previously on this blog that I wanted to go back to school when God revealed that He wanted me to go into Christian counseling. What I didn’t share was how I made that decision solely by myself, signed up for, was accepted into college and THEN told my husband. Who does that!?! Ugh, I hate that things went down that way.

Kevin and I have had many conversations about US adjusting to each other. And at the height of one of our saddest but most raw arguments, he admitted how hurt he was by that, and I was ashamed that I’d not even seen that I had done it.

My point for all of this is to share what my view of marriage is, and how it’s taught me to rely on my Lord and my husband. And to share that through some of the heartache, pain and humbling heart condition checks that were necessary, God is not done with Kevin and me. There is more to come, and it ~~can~~ WILL be accomplished with our Lord and my unselfish, unconditional loving husband.

A ceremonial addition we incorporated into our service was God’s Knot. It’s a cord of three colored ropes that you braid during your ceremony. The groom holds the ring and the bride braids the three colors together. Below you can see the description, and the shadow box I made of our knot after the wedding.

I loved this aspect of the ceremony, but the truth is that I didn’t know how to incorporate it into my marriage.

I had my faith, Kevin had his, and we would meet in the middle, I was sure of it. We were growing as a couple. We were going to church. We were attending life group, and I could see Kevin’s growth, and it just fueled me to do more at church because God wanted me to be helping others in their lives. After all, mine was perfectly fine…

Yet in all honesty, for the first two and a half years of our marriage, I was running my race to the goal line (whatever event I had created in my mind), and Kevin was jogging behind, lovingly supporting me, but keeping silent.

Newsflash, brides: That’s not journeying through life together.

That’s living as though you’re still single, and just having the guy’s last name. What could be more emasculating to an amazing man (or any man for that matter)?

I have learned so much in the time since I’ve walked down the aisle.

I have learned the ability to admit my wrongdoings.

It’s not that I didn’t know how to do it before, it’s just that in the past, my lips seemed to go numb, and my mouth wouldn’t open to get the words out. 😉 I mean, come on, who loves to say, “I was wrong”? If it seems hard to say, take a few minutes to repeat that over and over…it gets easier.

I have learned the ability to put my partner first.

Kevin is so simple, and I mean that so lovingly. He really doesn’t ask for much. He’s not extravagant, he doesn’t have unrealistic expectations for me, he just lives so simply, and if he sees a need somewhere, he does it/fixes it/helps someone/loves on people. I couldn’t ask for a better example of who Jesus is.

Kevin really is a living example of someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to see others love their lives and Christ. But my nature (and let’s be honest again, it’s not a personality flaw, it’s my sin nature), was to put myself first. And I have a background, so here’s where I used to justify it.

Coming from a first marriage that ended in my leaving abruptly, I wasn’t used to putting the other person first. I had been dealing with someone who had so many expectations for me to live up to, and a facade I couldn’t pull off…well, it just was such a relief to get away from someone trying to change me and I could finally have an opinion without him making fun of me, or calling me a name because I thought differently. But unfortunately, my desire to overcome that part of my past, left Kevin in the dust! I had opened a business and gone back to school all by myself. Surely, you’re proud of me, right, honey? Honey??

I’m going to take you back to a moment in time that is forever seared into my memory. It’s painful, but becomes beauty from its original ashes.

Thankfully, God got a hold of me one morning/afternoon in February 2014. And let me tell you, where I should have been treated harshly for the words I let spew out of my mouth during a Valentine’s dinner to my sweet husband, God wrapped His arms around me and said, “Tell me what’s wrong.”

The afternoon after that dinner, when I was alone in my living room (Kevin was at work), I had such shame. Have you ever been so mad at something, but had so much going on, you didn’t know who to blame or where to put the pain? I was at my wits end! (Clearly.)

I had allowed myself to become so overwhelmed, overworked, disappointed, and so angry at everyone and everything, that I didn’t even want to go into the Lord’s presence. Quite honestly, I figured He didn’t want to talk to me. He was there at the restaurant the night before, when I unleashed venom against my husband (who had done nothing wrong), and made him my punching bag for my built up anger. Surely, God’s back would be to me.

I wrestled in the living room. I went from couch to chair to couch and thought, This is ridiculous. I can’t even muster up the courage to talk to God. And though I wanted to cry (and for those of you who know me- that’s not a hard feat for me to accomplish), I couldn’t get any moisture from my eyes. How sad…now what?

And so I texted a few of my soul sisters from church: “Will you ladies pray for me? Without going into detail, I’ve hurt my husband and feel like I can’t pray.”

Within minutes, my dear sisters countered the enemy’s lies and told me to press into God, to seek Him with my heart and He would reveal a way to redeem myself with Kevin, that I need to resist the devil, draw near to God (James 4:7-8) and just boldly go to Him.

I stretched myself out on the floor facing downward. And then I laughed.

How absurd, I thought! I have no words to even say. Obviously I’m sorry, but where do I begin?

So I stayed on the floor, arms stretched out in front of me. And I started, “Lord, I don’t even know what you want me to say…”

Within seconds, He spoke into my spirit, not words of condemnation or ridicule, but peace and truth. He somehow got me to the point of repentance. I can’t even explain exactly how, but with my arms out in front of me,

I began to sob,

and then cry,

and then mourn loudly.

I hadn’t let tears out in a LONG TIME! On my knees, still facing the floor, I knew what I had done wrong. I knew I had gone before Kevin and hurt him, but God was letting me know that I had RUN IN FRONT OF HIM AS WELL! Talk about a 2×4 to the face! I’m just living my dream, without regard for anyone. What in the world is wrong with me?!?

The Lord is our judge, yet also a loving Father. That day, when I should have had Him laying out the record of all of the times I had wronged my husband, God chose to show me His grace. (And if you know 1 Corinthians 13, Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs, so this clearly shows you where my belief about God didn’t match up with His character.)

He spread out such merciful, totally needed, completely undeserved GRACE.

Still sitting on the floor, I cried endlessly, and felt His love, compassion and clarity. I knew within minutes that I had to back out of school, close up shop on my business, and put my focus on HIM and my husband, and then my family.

Words that echoed in my spirit, which will never go forgotten, were the following: “Grace, you’re calling me the Lord of your life, but you’re not letting me do it.”

That realization hit me so hard.

I had such remorse for my treatment of Kevin. He didn’t deserve my tongue-lashing. I had immediate sadness at knowing my dream of finishing college would again go to the wayside. But knowing that I was a fraud to myself and my Lord was the most painful. Who was I kidding? Yes, my grades were high where I wanted them to be, but the grade for my contribution to my marriage was F after F. My priorities were so skewed. Devastated, but hopeful, my heart ached horribly, but I couldn’t wait to talk to my husband.

Later that evening in our bedroom, I finally had the opportunity to apologize to Kevin. He had been quiet all day when he got in from work, and my stepdaughters were over. I certainly didn’t want to do this in front of them, so I asked the Lord to give me the words at the right time. Kevin listened so intently, and yet his face would look away at times. I shared with him all that the Lord revealed to me during my quiet time, and when I was finally done, he looked at me, and said, “I can never stop you, Grace. You get something in your mind and you just run with it. I’m in awe of you. Everything you’ve ever wanted to do, you can do it. But what killed me was that you’ve never asked me, not that you need my permission, but that you would consider me. You’re still living like you’re single.”

Dear friends, if I can impart wisdom to you regarding marriage- which is a holy, beautiful, institution using two broken, imperfect people (one man, one woman), take my words to heart. YOU CANNOT CLEAVE TO SOMEONE BY YOUR OWN WILL. The Bible is so full of wisdom and truth regarding marriage being an institution that reflects the relationship between God the Father and God the Son. That one would lay down their life, they would cleave to each other, they would forsake all others, they would lead, serve, submit… I wasn’t doing any of that. And I had been so blinded because of my own selfishness, I didn’t realize the pain Kevin even felt.

I used to pride myself on telling others to “put the shoe on the other foot”, but I couldn’t follow my own advice. And because I had squashed the Holy Spirit, I wasn’t hearing His gentle rebukes to consult my husband, pray before deciding, wait to see if it was something the Lord wanted of me. All of these steps I took were “GRACE-driven”, but not grace-driven.

I have learned the ability to squash the enemy instead of the Spirit.

If you are married or considering it, your primary concern will always be for the other person. Yes, you have dreams and goals, but trust me, if they don’t include your spouse, you live a life of secrecy and darkness. These things always come to light, Scripture says. Even in the midst of a godly marriage. If we’re not seeking the Lord and our spouse’s approval on things, are we truly surrendered to their ideas, opinions, viewpoints? And let’s not gloss over the fact that the enemy HATES marriage, so he will do anything he can to separate, isolate and KILL off any part of you that works in conjunction with your spouse. Instead of running ahead of your mate and figuring things out, seek your spouse’s opinion (communication is sexy, people) and see what he has to say. You may be surprised by his wisdom and acceptance of your ideas.

Submission to a man of God is easy.

If a man loves the Lord, and follows His commands (most importantly to put YOU first in his life, and love you like Jesus loves the church), you can easily walk alongside him and submit to him. I know every marriage is not like this. But if you are a godly woman, you are not alone. Your Lord is your husband and voice of wisdom until He gets through to your husband.

I learned that my husband “gets” the idea of unconditional love (and it’s something I cannot take for granted)

When I screwed up royally, Kevin never held it over my head. We have thousands of dollars in college loans for a degree that I never finished, and he’s never said another word about it, except to tell me that we have to remember a certain amount coming out monthly. He said it’s a lesson that we learned together.

Talk about GRACE!! Could you do that? If your husband cost you THOUSANDS of dollars for a dream that God called you out of, would you be able to NOT talk about it? I mean, we may want to tell our girlfriends why we can’t go out for coffee or dinner, “because let me tell you what my husband did…”.

He NEVER did that. He just moves forward with me, seeking God for our next step. That’s insane, but possible with God. Kevin’s love for me overshadows my mistakes. Sound like anyone else you know? 😉

I’ve learned God’s plans for me do coincide with my dreams (after all, He put them there), but I can wait for His direction and timing to execute them.

My frustration and becoming overwhelmed was because I was putting pressure on myself that was never meant to be there. I needed to seek God and His Word regarding my steps, but I was too busy running to stop and read (or listen). And out of that journey of running, I realized many reasons why I was pushing to prove myself. I am now equipped with Ephesians 6 and the armor of God. I know the schemes against me, I know the tactics the enemy uses, I know his cunning behavior. I cannot prepare myself for everything, but I can be aware, and that is what is required of us. We need to watch and know that he seeks to KILL us and DESTROY us. This is your ENEMY…the one that knows he loses in the end. So remind him of that.

And ultimately, I have a few dreams that are in my think tank. I know the Lord put them there. He is slowly revealing timing for certain things, but I’m more patient than I’ve ever been. I know when I see myself putting on tennis shoes in my mind’s eye, I need to sit back on the bench and consider him and my husband first.

The cord of three strands is essential to a vital, godly marriage. Kevin is a flawed human being. As am I. And there is only one other person involved in our marriage, who has a vested interest in our marriage, who is not flawed. God designed it, He knows the obstacles, but He has the power and the resources to conquer them. And He’s given us the wisdom to learn how to do it.

Put simply: RELIANCE ON THE LORD HIMSELF.

I can come up with some pretty awesome ideas (brushed knuckles on chest), but if I haven’t sought the Lord or Kevin, I will be devastated at the loss of time spent by choosing to go the path alone. I’ve witnessed after a long day of work, Kevin come home and say something that neither one of us has talked about, but that I know the Lord must have put on His heart. That is evidence enough for me that He is present in both of our lives. And He has to be! We are so prone to going our own way, but in a marriage, it’s always about the other person. Sacrifice to self is essential.

Something else that the Lord brought to my mind in the living room that day was that friends lay down their lives for each other. I hadn’t done that. For me to be successful as a wife, submitted to my husband and completely surrendered to the Lord, I had to lay down my hopes/dreams/college credits/Avon makeup business for the sake of Kevin and my longevity. It’s not that these were bad ideas, but sometimes the Lord asks us to give up things that are in the way of what He is trying to accomplish through us. If my grip had been so tight on school or my business, where would that have left Kevin?

I’ve learned to let go of hurtful, hateful moments and live in the NOW.

Earlier, I had mentioned how things went wrong leading up to our wedding day. Life isn’t perfect, and moments aren’t as tidy or neat as Pinterest tries to convince us. Over the last two years, the Lord has been working on my heart of unforgiveness. I’ve been holding onto so much, about so many people, that it had become a huge wedge in our marriage. I had to come to the realization of three things:

Kevin wasn’t responsible for the actions of those who hurt me, so I had to stop treating him as if he was.
Holding onto the anger for what others had done wasn’t hurting them. It was hurting me. And Kevin. And other family members. My responses weren’t Christlike many times, and if I was trying to be a light, I wasn’t accomplishing it very well.
Forgiveness is able to be done by humans, but the peace that comes as a result, is something only the Lord can give. I have said I’ve forgiven and forgotten a ton of times. But I hadn’t ever given the situation to the Lord. Then, all of a sudden in 2013, God started messing with my sleep schedule. He would keep me up, replaying an incident or how I handled it. My anger would rage, my thoughts would get wound up, and I would want to scream. But when I learned to take those moments and hand them over to the One who already died for their mistakes, and mine too, I was able to let Him deal with that person and no longer hold it over their heads. I cannot tell you the freedom I have, and the lack of weight on my shoulders for doing this! If you need help with forgiveness or unforgiveness, call me, text me, email me. I will be doing a bible study on this topic because it is so beneficial to our mental and physiological well-being.

I’ve learned that where God said No for now, it doesn’t mean forever.

I still have dreams. I also have a husband whose work schedule might change, and stepdaughters in college. I want to be there for them. This doesn’t mean my goal of counseling will fade. It means that the Lord will be faithful in what He told me: He will give me what I need when I need it. And I can rest in that.

I’ve learned that everyone needs second chances, and third, and eighteenth, and ninety-seventh, and…

The beautiful truth about the God of the Bible is that He is full of grace and mercy, justice and truth. He gives grace much more than He punishes. Like the loving parent that He is, He disciplines those He loves, but He doesn’t leave us in timeout, or in prison! He conquered death so we could be with Him. Is He happy with our choices and behavior all of the time? That depends on your walk with Him. But the good news is that when we screw up, He is faithful and just to see the sin, cover it with the blood of His Son, and grant us newness. Out of that thankfulness, we need to be appreciative and turn our lives in another direction.

Where our sin is great, His grace is greater!

So that’s my story. At least for now. Four years may not seem like a long time, but for me, it’s been packed with lesson after lesson and grace upon grace. I’ve titled this post “What’s Next for us”, but to be truthful, only God knows that.

I just know that we’re all in, whatever that looks like. And we’re going to do it hand-in-hand until He calls us home.